you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
