Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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