Im at strip club and am horny
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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