please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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