I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
