You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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