My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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