Your face is a jimmy john
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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