1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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