My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
