I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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