The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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