I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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