oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
