look no pants
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Are we still banned from the library?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
