dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
