she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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