I could make wine with my vomit
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
