I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
