My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
