he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
