He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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