it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
