Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
