I wish my penis had an off switch
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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