I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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