im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I need to calm my uterus...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
