Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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