I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
