u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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