Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
