totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
BRING THE BAGELS
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
