I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I want a musical about memes.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
