Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
