My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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