Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
