You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
