ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
