I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
