I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
