Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
