She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
