The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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