May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
