Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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