I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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