I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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