I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
