she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
be right there i have to get my cape
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
