I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
