Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
