she was so not down for the gang bang
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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