the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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