My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
