gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I had to cum in my sink.
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