Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
