I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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