I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
