i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize