The best revenge is premature balding
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
NoShamevember. You game?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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