Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
