what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
